Sexy

Dedicated to all the women out there suffering from breast cancer, breast disease, and any affliction that affects the view of their bodies. Stay strong and continue to survive and excel!

 

Sexy

 

I don’t feel sexy
At least not these days
Seems as if my sexiness got lost in a haze
A daze
A dream
An alternate reality
Cuz nowadays I’m feeling quiet unattractive
Even when random dudes on the street
Whistle
Holla
Or I capture their gaze
I still feel as if
My sexiness is lost in the haze
Maybe it’s the toll that pregnancy took on my body
New proportions
Stretch marks
And mis-fitting clothes
Maybe it’s the stress or weariness of motherhood
Late nights
Early mornings
Repetition of my words just to get my point across
Reflections on my actions and their direct impact they have on these precious lives
But truly I don’t think it’s any of these things
I mean
I felt sexy last year
All pregnant and glowing
I felt sexy with my two year old running circles around me
I felt sexy in sweats when my hubby held me
So where has my sexy gone
Is it lost in my mind
Has it faded with time
Cuz at 28
I seem to relate to woman pushing 60
Yet even some of them look sexy from what I see
I must admit I was really proud of my breast
Thelma and Louise
The perfect handful to squeeze
But now for almost a year
They have hardly been touched
Or should I say caressed
Cuz too many hands to count have been on my chest
Surgeons
Technicians
OB’s
Specialist of disease
Midwives
And babies
But none for pleasure
Just poking and prodding
And tracking and wondering
Cuz with all that
Still no one knows
No one can answer my questions
Of why
How
Or give a cure
Just test this
Test that
I’m feeling like a lab rat
And that’s not sexy
No one bit
And looking in the mirror
I just see a shriveled tit
Dark and wrinkled and crusted over
So much different than the other
And aren’t we told beauty is symmetry
So where does that leave me
Is it killing my chemisty
I try to tell myself
I was never big on cleavage anyway
But I would like to have the choice on a special day
I would like to have a bra that fits
Or a shirt that falls evenly across both tits
I mean one huge with milk
The other on the mend
What type of attraction am I pulling in
Thank God I’m already off the market
But even for him the girls are off target
Can’t be caressed
Or fondled
There goes my dreams of being
Americas next top model
And I know that self confidence comes from within
But what happens when your within is worn down
Who’s there to pick you up when you’re down
Who has the energy when we’re all worn out
Who has the words to resurrect my sexy
Cuz try as you may
I still feel as if you don’t understand
You can hold my hand
Look in my eyes
And speak to my soul
But as a woman without my womanhood in tact
All I feel is my woes
And I’m trying
I’m trying
I really am trying
But every look in the mirrors got me crying
I tried to fake it til I make it
But I never been good a fake
I’m to real
Every emotion I feel
And I’m thankful for my lesson
But I’m in need of a blessing
What must I do to move on
Do I have a memorial
For my youthful symmetrical breast
Or just move on and give it a rest
Will my sexy ever return
Or should I mourn it too
And just let it burn
I’m sure there are women out there who have suffered and survived
And are looking at me like come on you can thrive
But this state that I’m in is pulling me down
Don’t get me wrong I’m thankful for being around
But I want my sexy back
I want that spark that lights the room
But it’s hard to get that when daily you’re dressing a wound
And all the while I’m tending to my outward pains
My inner turmoil is a steaming train
Full speed ahead with no one at the wheel
I guess that’s why I had to share what I feel
Advertisements

37 thoughts on “Sexy

  1. I’m so happy that you posted this piece it’s so vulnerable, real and relatable to all women in the aspects of what it means to be and feel beautiful because it’s not just on the outside for us it’s totally on the inside…we can see it all day and all night but if we don’t feel it, it means absolutely nothing. I love u BFF and you are sooooo beautiful and SEXY!!! hmph!

  2. Thanks for this friend, speaking the words so many of us tired, run down mamas feel. But no matter what, never forget how beautiful you are inside & out, something that we forget about our selves but others still see. ❤ you!

  3. Pingback: Thursday Poets Rally Week 31 (October 21-27) | Jingle

  4. breast cancer is serious problem for women all over the world,
    it hits hard when one gets it.
    Thanks for the thoughtful dedication and the powerful high light on the issue.

    way to go.
    Happy Rally.

  5. strange coincidence – a couple of days ago i saw a movie, called “Red lipstick”, which was precisely about a woman having cancer and her way of coping with the surgery and chemo and everything else…two thumbs up here! great job!

  6. Sexy will return. I felt like ugly, damaged goods when I had cancer, and everyone in the world looked at, prodded, poked, and photographed my disfigured breast. But it came back. It takes time.
    Don’t worry, you are beautiful and you’ll see that again someday.

  7. Pingback: Agreement 4 Thursday Poets Rally Week 31 | Promising Poets' Parking Lot

  8. This is beautiful. It evokes so much emotion, and it’s so straightforward in its depiction of the internal thunderstorm. I think you’ve captured the feelings so well; it’s honest but not too raw, and your rhyme doesn’t dictate the flow. Great job.

  9. wow. you’re only 28? much to go through. Lovely poem.. great expression of up and down emotions and thoughts. Indeed, sexy is in the mind for sure and he mind plays many tricks on us.

  10. this is so real–the hurt comes through, but there are so many other things underlying it: the pride at being a mother and a survivor, the weariness, the frustration, and the deep appreciation of self-worth, despite appearances. this touches deeply. thanks for posting.

  11. I’m referring to “sexy” and “The Girls”
    You are gifted with the ability of expression thru the written and spoken Word. You are couragous, truth has that tendency and the lack thereof often embodies cowardice.
    Life’s experiences can be difficult to say the least and the timing can make you want to ask the creator are you paying attention to what’s going on here.
    Understanding that life is change is an important lesson. We see it from infancy to old age. Adjustments to these changes can be quite challenging especially at 20 something but it has to start somewhere and @ some point. No one likes loosing ground so you fight when it makes sense and even when it doesn’t until you are satisfied that you gave it all you got or reach a new understanding that makes sense to you.
    For me I had to let it go after exhausting every avenue mourning the loss of what was a beautiful part of me and settling for this new look realizing guess what part of me beat the rest of me to it’s final resting place.
    You are right, Thank God this is not your story!
    Continue writing, continue praying, continue being a doer.

  12. Pingback: So Many New Poetry Flavors, Come To Try Them All | Promising Poets' Parking Lot

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: